IF OBAMA'S TELEPROMPTER MALFUNCTIONED

Good afternoon. It’s great to be back at Columbia U. I want you to know that I could have gone golfing today but I wanted to swing by here to pander for your votes in 2012. It was easy to get them in 2008 because you college kids are dumber than a bag of sand and that you’ll believe any line of crap that we spin for you. Remember, evil Republicans will steal your Pell Grants! Haha.

But seriously folks, from our first days as a nation, we have put our faith in free markets and free enterprise as the engine of America’s wealth and prosperity but those days are over. Americans are lazy and stupid, made so by decades of liberal teachers at all levels, dumbing them down to the point where they’ll listen to Keith Olbermann and actually think it is news! This always makes me and my master Soros laugh, especially now that after the Breton Woods meeting, my master plans on putting his shadow government in place and putting you idiots out in the fields, where you belong. Oh, one or two of you MAY be pulled up into the ranks of the elites but the rest of you? Plan on working menial jobs from now until the day you die, because we’re busy destroying America and the American Dream.

Indeed. Americans used to be rugged individualists, self-reliant, and many of the bitter clingers still are, although we’re working to reeducate them. But you liberal lemmings, you’re exactly what we are looking for. Sheep to be led. Stuck on stupid thanks to our government indoctrination centers, and born with a government nipple in your mouth, from cradle-to-grave. Once we had a strong military to keep us secure, public schools and universities to educate our citizens but now I’ve put homosexuals in the military to force an exodus of decent Americans who want to serve them nation honorably, allowed my buddy Bill Ayers to write socialistic curriculum's for all public schools, and encouraged extreme liberals to be professors at universities across America, in order to turn your brains, such as they are, to liberal mush.

America was once a great nation, putting down railroads and highways to facilitate travel and commerce, made great discoveries, invented the internet, space travel with the shuttle, and had a free market second to none but liberals since the 1960’s have been working against that and guess what? It has worked! We’ve undercut the work of scientists and researchers whose discoveries might have saved lives, hampered technological development because we on the Left are little more than modern Luddites, and killed new jobs and entire industries so as to cripple America and force more and more Americans into benefits like welfare, that we get by taxing the Hell out of anyone still working.

Unbelievably, the old Democrat scare tactics from the 1940’s still works today as we tell you that you lemmings deserve some basic measure of security after giving up some part of your freedom! We let no crisis go to waste as we capitalize on your hard times, bad luck, crippling illness, layoff, or firing, to blame the evil Republicans and then demand more of other people’s money to fund unconstitutional programs like Medicare, welfare, and Social Security, which guarantee us a small measure of basic income and very basic health care, while we elites skim the profits and live like kings and queens. But don’t worry, we Democrats will ensure enough crumbs fall from our table to keep you alive at a basic level of subsistence.

But as far back as the 1960s, Democrats started amassing debt at more alarming levels, and our leaders began to realize that a larger challenge was on the horizon but we really did not care as we kicked the can down the road, liberal Congress after liberal Congress, for almost 60 years. And guess what? We’re STILL doing it! We know eventually that it will all crash down around us but rest assured, rich Democrats like Soros, myself, Nancy Pelosi, John Kerry, etc, have our exit plans in place and won’t suffer like you will. I know that makes you happy because as liberal lemmings, you’re more concerned about us than yourselves, your voting patterns reveal that. You can bet that as President, I’m gonna borrow more and more until your chance at any retirement will be nil because we need you to keep working at Walmart to pay our bills, through high taxes.

For example, I’m spinning like a top when I discuss things like unpaid-for tax cuts. This of course, makes no sense but it sounds great. I am firmly against any tax cuts because that allows you to keep more of your money when in reality, all your money belongs to the government. In fact, when we say that we’ll tax the rich, we’re really lying because us trial lawyer filled Democrat Party ARE THE RICH and we don’t pay our fair share. Just ask John Kerry.

Another scare tactic we use is to blame the GOP for everything because they’re gutless cowards who are afraid to fight back. So their plan will cut 70% of clean energy exploration, that hasn’t gotten one job going and that has to be heavily subsidized by your taxes to succeed. Their plan will take your Pell grants, cut your student loans, and force YOU to pay for YOUR education. Oh the humanity. These cuts are gonna force you to WORK your way through college like Americans used to do but you should not have to do that because you’re special people, the Obama voters. Their cuts are going to make our roads crumble, our bridges collapse, stop abortions, force old people to eat dog food or live in public housing, like my illegal alien Auntie Zeituni does in Boston, because they don’t have the guts to deport her like they should. Their plan will kill millions of old people who can’t afford nursing home care without Medicaid but those death panels in my health plan, led by Doctor Emanuel, will thin that herd. Yes, their plan will force Americans to fend for themselves like they did for over 150 years, before we Progressives took over. Their plan to reduce the deficit is about following the Constitution as it was written, which as we all know, is flawed, and says nothing about redistributing money, which is the Democrat way.

Republicans will force you to choose between a future of spiraling debt and one where we forfeit investments in our people and our country but I say, don’t choose. We can spend our way out of debt because once we’re so deep in debt, why, we’ll just print more money and pay out way out! To meet our fiscal challenge, we will need to make reforms and sacrifices, which is why we are going to tax the hell out of everything in America. You buy a condom, pay a hefty tax. Buy any car other than a Chevy Volt, pay a huge tax. Buy anything other than a GE product, we’re gonna soak you. In fact, under my new tax plan, we’re gonna turn you upside down and shake you until every last penny, with Lincoln’s face on it, the president I most emulate, falls out. We won’t sacrifice the America we believe in but you will. And as long as I’m President, you will.

In closing, I’ll use a strawman argument, like I always do, and say I received a letter from a man in Florida. He started off by telling me he didn’t vote for me and he hasn’t always agreed with me but that the American Dream is still alive under my watch as Fannie and Freddie continue to buy up useless mortgages, allowing us to go deeper in debt but giving those who cannot and would not repay their loans a chance to own a house and now he believes in me! We need to use your dollars to refurbish the White House to the way I want it and to fund my various vacations and golf trips that I need to ease the stress of spending your money willy-nilly and eating all of that Kobe beef while you’re eating Hamburger Helper. So keep voting Democrat chumps and we’ll keep wrecking the nation until you’re living like my brother does in Kenya and I’m living like they do as a king should. Thank you and Allah bless the Calpihate. Peace out, I'm off to Andrews Air Force Base to clog the roads and close down the base while I golf my day away.