(phone call from Japanese PM after their recent quake)
"You have reached the phone of President Obama. At the tone, please leave your message and I will get back to you as soon as possible or listen to the following menu items.
If you are the leader of a sovereign nation and desire me to bow to you, press 1 now.
If this is an emergency, please press 2. I have an early tee time and will get back to you as soon as possible, or, maybe, never.
If you are a high school student and would like me to speak at your high school commencement, please hang up and dial, 800 555-1234 and you can inform my social secretary, who will set it up.
If you are experiencing high gas prices, press 3 to hear me blame Bush for it.
If you are out of work, press 4 to hear me blame Bush for it and offer condolences.
If you wish to donate to my reelection fund, hang up and dial 800 CROOKED for help sending me your money.
If you wish to hear my various lies on the economy, press 5 for a selection of my personal favorites.
If you wish to hear Michelle scold you for eating a Big Mac, hang up and dial 800 WOOKIE.
If you wish to enquire about my AWOL birth certificate, hand up and dial 800 UGTPLYD.
If you are a Muslim and want me to pray at your mosque, press 6 now.
If you are a member of the Muslim Brotherhood and wish to emigrate to America, press 7.
If you are an oil company wishing to drill in America, hang up and dial 800 KISSOFF.
If you wish to review my resume, hang up and dial 800 EMTSUIT now.
If you are a Mexican drug cartel and needs guns, hang up and call Janet Napolitano at the DHS or the ATF for immediate service at our low-low prices.
For all other needs, leave a message and I'll get back to you after my next vacation or golf match, whichever occurs first.